As the stomach turns - episode 2

So last night I received a text message from the lovely credit card people telling me that my payment was 11 days late.  Umm like hell it was.  This was the casualty card from the post office mistake.  I called them, made a payment over the phone and apparently they didn't get in their system correctly.  So I had the woman on the phone last night repeat it back to me 4 different times to make sure she had it correct.  They are going to waive the returned check fee (how nice of them considering it was their mistake) and not charge a late fee (again, how nice).  The phone call ended with "Have a nice day ma'am" and me popping off with "I don't know where you are at, but it's night time here.  So I will have a nice night."  I know what you are saying "Did she have to be such a bitch about it?"  Considering the history of this card, yes.  Unfortunately the woman on the other end got the brunt of my frustrations and for that I do feel bad.

After that phone call, I had a meltdown.  Not quite full blown, but it was close.  Not understanding what I did to deserve this and why am I being tested.  Normally a hot bath would be mellow me out, but not last night.  Had a glass of wine, that didn't work.  Tried to listen to Pandora station of Lisa Hannigan, but that didn't work either. Not because I was wound up, but because a lot of the artists were new to me and I really liked them so I had to shut it off.  So there I lay with my two cats and brain just spinnin with the evil little voices.  You know the ones that come back to haunt you.  The ones that just won't be quiet and keep saying all kinds of negative things.  Things that were told to you from others that stuck. 

I have tried to talk to my sisters, but they never have time it seems and that just adds to my frustrations.  Craig tries to understand and I love him for that.  So he got an earful of what probably sounded like babble to him Friday night.  When I do talk and say how I feel or what I think I get the response of "You sound just like mother" or that I am being a bitch so anymore I just keep my mouth shut and my thoughts to myself.  Sleep is something I am getting little of these days due to those evil little voices. But I know things will get better.  Just have to keep telling myself that and keep my sanity for as long as I can.  Try to not have anymore meltdowns for fear of the next one might have a massive clean up that follows and I will get mad all over again because I have to replace the stuff I broke.  I'm trying to get myself out of debt, not stay in it.

I know there is a light somewhere.  I catch glimmers of it once in awhile.  Setbacks are expected, but at this point in my life seem nontolerable.  My patience are getting thin and I'm getting weary.  Maybe it's from lack of sleep, maybe it's from years of dealing with this. Who knows.  All I know right now is that I really miss my sisters and sleep would be nice too.