Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Not good enough



"Your not good enough."  Heard this a lot while growing up.  It takes a huge toll on a person.  I developed the attitude of “If you don’t like me for me then I don’t want you in my life.”  I am trying to pass this along to my nieces as they are at the age where they are trying to find themselves and maneuver the pressures of life.

As of lately I have been feeling like I am not good enough in almost everything that I do.  The only person I don’t feel this way around is my husband.  My twin is an amazing mom (I don’t have kids but if I did, I would want to be like her), my other sister has lost so much weight and looks amazing, my friend that I go running with is amazing on her own (she runs half marathons, does duathelons and the occasional century ride).  I try to hide certain feelings and think I am doing a pretty good job.  I just stay quiet and pretty much do my own thing.  Am quiet because the world is noisy enough and am sick of being talked over, so I just listen and observe (you can learn so much from that).  I’m better off doing my own thing anyways, because that means I am my own competition and love being by myself.  It’s comfortable and I have some of the best conversations.  Granted, they are one sided, but they are the best. 

I try to be the best sister, daughter, wife, friend that I can.  Am still feeling bad about a couple things that happened a few weeks ago that I cannot change.  I just keep thinking, if I can be there for one, why couldn’t I have been there for the other.  Does that make me a bad person that I wasn’t able to be there?  Does that make me unreliable?  A bad friend?

One thing that has really bugging me lately is when I share something of mine that I have been doing for a while then somebody comes along, takes up whatever it is and brags that they have done whatever better.  GOOD FOR YOU!!  So then I start to feel inadequate.  Like I’ve been doing this for a while and can’t get to that level, so why are they when they just started.  I should take it a compliment, after all, imitation is the best form of flattery.  If I think of it that way, am I good enough to inspire somebody?  I never thought I was inspirational.  I’ve always thought of myself as a fighter.  Constantly fighting those who say I’m not good enough, those who say I can’t do something, those who say I will never be able to do what they do.  I might not be able to do something, but you bet your ass I will try and if I am able to make you eat your words, I hope they taste good going down.  Because you will eat them.  I will make sure of that.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am happy for them that they accomplished what they have done, and celebrate with them.  I should be inspired by some (which I am) and happy that I inspired someone to give whatever a try and was successful.  I know this is all in my head and I am good at being me, in fact, I am great at being me.  It’s what I do best.  I need to stop holding myself to their standards as the ones I set for myself are high enough.  I need to focus on inspiring my nieces to be the best version of themselves while they are growing up in a world that is teaching them to do opposite.  I need to refocus myself, my feelings and tell that evil voice of my mother that I am good enough, if not better than what I think and to shut hell up.  What others say and do is how they perceive themselves I cannot help that.  I can only help me.


By saying all of that, still doesn’t silence that evil voice in my head. L