Reflections

So on my way home from work today it hit me.  In 3 months and a few weeks I will be 40 years old (eek!).   Never married and no kids (What's wrong me right?  God I hate that question.  So if you've never been married and have no kids, what's wrong with you?  Makes me want to slap the person who says it).  The two things in life that I would treasure outside of my family and friends.  I was thinking of the two really sweet guys in my life that I blew off because at that time I didn’t really want them in my life but acted like I did just so I could crush them (sick I know).  They went off to find their beautiful wives , had families and from what I hear are very happy.  That could have been me with Jason or with Elliott.  I see my two sisters who are happy with their husbands and I know not every relationship is perfect but it’s perfect for them.  Some of my friends are either married or in relationships and to see them happy, makes me happy yet sad at the same time.  And here I am what seems to be the constant third wheel.  I’ve spent a good part of my life alone and seem to be okay with it.  I’ve also spent a few years as a “friends with benefits” because I got to attached to a man that I knew wouldn’t change and still hasn’t.  I’ve come to the conclusion a few times that if this is all my life has to offer then I’m okay with that too.  If I am meant to be alone to pay off some type of karmic debt, then so be it.  I would rather be alone than in a relationship and miserable.  I am comfortable with myself.  On occasion my thoughts tend to get away from me and I turn into my own worst enemy.  I hear my mother in the back of head on occasion telling me that I will never be anything but a miserable kid and every other mean wicked thing she has called me and I hate her for that.

As I type this it makes me reflect even more and it makes me sad.  It’s funny how every single person is jealous in some way of those in a relationship and those in a relationship are in some way jealous of those that are single.  Why is that?  The only answer I have is because it’s human nature to want something you can’t have.  When I get like this I really immerse myself into my music collection, dig out my anti-love cd’s that I made until I snap out of it.  Then remember that I don’t have anybody to answer too, nobody to check in with and if I want to be in a bad mood I can be.  But then I also know I don’t have anybody to answer to when I do something stupid, nobody to help keep me in check or check in with and nobody to bring me out of that bad mood and make me smile.  I’ve met so many jerks dating it makes me ill, but makes for funny stories, still I have to deal with the jerks who tell me “I look like that kind of girl” and if you hear it enough eventually you believe it.  Still trying to figure out exactly what “that kind of girl” is though.  I’ve thought about settling just because I don’t want to be alone anymore and know a few who would be more than happy to fill that spot, but then again I don’t want to just settle.  Maybe I still have more growing to do, maybe I still need to meet up with a few more jerks before the right one comes along.  Maybe this is just how my life is meant to be.  Who knows.  I do know that I’m tired of being the third wheel, feeling that weird uncomfortable awkwardness when those around me get calls from their significant other or show signs of affection (which I would rather hear than arguing), and feeling like there is something wrong with me to be alone for so long.  But then I remember I have a family who loves me regardless and those few select friends who are there for me no questions asked and for that I am truly thankful and know I’m really not as alone as I think or feel.