Reflections

So on my way home from work today it hit me.  In 3 months and a few weeks I will be 40 years old (eek!).   Never married and no kids (What's wrong me right?  God I hate that question.  So if you've never been married and have no kids, what's wrong with you?  Makes me want to slap the person who says it).  The two things in life that I would treasure outside of my family and friends.  I was thinking of the two really sweet guys in my life that I blew off because at that time I didn’t really want them in my life but acted like I did just so I could crush them (sick I know).  They went off to find their beautiful wives , had families and from what I hear are very happy.  That could have been me with Jason or with Elliott.  I see my two sisters who are happy with their husbands and I know not every relationship is perfect but it’s perfect for them.  Some of my friends are either married or in relationships and to see them happy, makes me happy yet sad at the same time.  And here I am what seems to be the constant third wheel.  I’ve spent a good part of my life alone and seem to be okay with it.  I’ve also spent a few years as a “friends with benefits” because I got to attached to a man that I knew wouldn’t change and still hasn’t.  I’ve come to the conclusion a few times that if this is all my life has to offer then I’m okay with that too.  If I am meant to be alone to pay off some type of karmic debt, then so be it.  I would rather be alone than in a relationship and miserable.  I am comfortable with myself.  On occasion my thoughts tend to get away from me and I turn into my own worst enemy.  I hear my mother in the back of head on occasion telling me that I will never be anything but a miserable kid and every other mean wicked thing she has called me and I hate her for that.

As I type this it makes me reflect even more and it makes me sad.  It’s funny how every single person is jealous in some way of those in a relationship and those in a relationship are in some way jealous of those that are single.  Why is that?  The only answer I have is because it’s human nature to want something you can’t have.  When I get like this I really immerse myself into my music collection, dig out my anti-love cd’s that I made until I snap out of it.  Then remember that I don’t have anybody to answer too, nobody to check in with and if I want to be in a bad mood I can be.  But then I also know I don’t have anybody to answer to when I do something stupid, nobody to help keep me in check or check in with and nobody to bring me out of that bad mood and make me smile.  I’ve met so many jerks dating it makes me ill, but makes for funny stories, still I have to deal with the jerks who tell me “I look like that kind of girl” and if you hear it enough eventually you believe it.  Still trying to figure out exactly what “that kind of girl” is though.  I’ve thought about settling just because I don’t want to be alone anymore and know a few who would be more than happy to fill that spot, but then again I don’t want to just settle.  Maybe I still have more growing to do, maybe I still need to meet up with a few more jerks before the right one comes along.  Maybe this is just how my life is meant to be.  Who knows.  I do know that I’m tired of being the third wheel, feeling that weird uncomfortable awkwardness when those around me get calls from their significant other or show signs of affection (which I would rather hear than arguing), and feeling like there is something wrong with me to be alone for so long.  But then I remember I have a family who loves me regardless and those few select friends who are there for me no questions asked and for that I am truly thankful and know I’m really not as alone as I think or feel.

Oh Deer

BEFORE DEER

This is in my back  yard so the flowers are very happy and the butterflies, bees and birds are loving it and I am enjoying watching them.  Just need to add the birdbath and my little happy place will be complete.

AFTER DEER

These are the flowers at the front of the house.  Needless to say I am now trying to keep them alive after the deer left the buffet.  The butterflies and bees are happy with what little flowers are left.

Stinkin deer :(

Mission Impossible?????

I've had this song from Willie Nelson/Toby Keith/BeBe Wyans stuck in my head for the last three weeks titled "Uncloudy Day". It was originally done by Willie Nelson back in the day, but this particular version is very uplifting, fun and great to sing at the top of your lungs. It’s a total feel good song.  I have this song on a mixed cd that I made quite awhile ago.  To give you a little bit of background on my mixed cds.  At one time in my life I was obsessed with downloading music of all kinds and in the process made a lot of very cool mixed cds.  I guess you could say this all started back in 6^th grade with my friend Diana (actually I could just blame her for my whole music obsession.  My Dimple obsession came from my second family growing up, thank you very much Bernido family). Diana and I were always making mixed tapes, but that was back when you could record direct from the radio.  You know, sit by the radio all day waiting to hear your favorite song only to have the dj talk through the beginning of the song until they started singing, but you still recorded it anyways.  Ah, those were the days.  Then the cd came out, which is a whole different story. Anyways, as result of my obsession I have 3 cases the biggest one holds 300, the smaller ones 100 each.  Instead of writing down what songs were on the cd at the time of creation (which would have been smart), I gave them names like Anti-Schmoop, O.M.G. and Underneath Your Stained Red High Heels (fun I know).

Now I know it won't be on the ones that have Great Band Era, 40 Funky Hits, Goofy Gold Greats or Weird Al Favorites (okay that one might just because I'm eclectic like that).  So my mission is to not only find this one particular song, but it has spurred a whole new mission of writing down each song/artist on every single cd in those cases.  I could totally cheat and just ask my friend Christina for the soundtrack that it’s on and move on with my life, but it’s the principal of the matter now.  It’s going to take a lot of patience and research to get this done properly as I don’t know the artists/djs on my clubbin/gym cds (thank goodness for Google and Elyrics).  But most of them I can figure out just by listening and others I can just look up the album on the internet and print out title tracks from there.  The instrumental ones though are going to be the most difficult.  Sadly, I have done this before with different songs, but when I found them I just wrote it on the cd and moved on with my life. 

So as I embark on my new journey, I like to think of it as cd immersion therapy and cannot wait to hear all the songs I completely forgot I had.  I don’t think of this as mission impossible because it’s a mission that I choose to accept and I know it won’t explode in 15 seconds after reading this.

Signs

These were taken on the way up to Twisted Oaks Winery in Murphy's

On the drive up there, they had a bunch of rubber chickens hanging from the trees

Of all the wineries I have been to, this one was the most entertaining.

YAY!!

My flowers I planted in April are starting to bloom.  I am way excited and the deer had better back off!!

Some look like they are going to be yellow/purple, the one above looks like it will be orange, I have some that look like they will be white, some light purple...I can't wait!!  It's going to look so pretty and the bees will be happy too!!

Music Whore

Everybody has their one vice or hobby in life. Whether it be smoking, sunflower seeds, gardening, hunting...whatever.  Mine just happens to be music.  I can't play any instrument or know how to read music to save my life, but I can appreciate good music when I hear it.  I'm constantly looking for new stuff of any genre regardless of how old it is.  Doesn't matter if it's from the 20's or 2000's, if I like it then I'm going to research it and stuff similar to it.  The only genre of music I can tolerate in very small doses is today's hip hop and rap.  I prefer the old school stuff over the new stuff, it's lost it's fun.  It's all about violence, money, how great I am...blah blah blah.  Give me the good stuff like Run DMC, Salt -n-Peppa and DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince.  I was always more of a rock girl anyways.  But as with the rest of it, the new stuff is not so good.  98 Rock isn't what it used to be, it's filled with an annoying morning show and tolerable afternoon DJs.   Country is the same way, very "cookie cutter" but there are a few artists that I do really like, for example Brad Paisley, Carrie Underwood, Little Big Town and Alan Jackson is always a favorite of mine.

So with that note, I'm left to dig.  Every Tuesday is new release day for music.  So I stalk Dimples website and then iTunes when I get home and pay close attention to the music magazines that I have.   I do have a few music blogs that I follow as well.  Always on the look out for new bands.  In my search I have always been pleasantly surprised at what I have found.  I have also cringed and laughed.  The ones that I laugh at, I try to share with those who will laugh about it with me.  When I get frustrated with the searches, I turn to my records that I have inherited from my dad.  They bring back great memories, it's fantastic music and I have record with my Great Uncle Paul in a Barbershop Quartet.

I need to catalog these like I do my cd's.  Yes I have a spreadsheet that I keep and also have a "wish list" that keeps growing.  So I guess all of this makes me a music whore, but I always share my treasures and am always willing to be exposed to new bands and expose others to what I have found.  They say music makes the world go 'round, well it does and makes for happy ears and big smiles.

Yay Me

So I have to brag a little about myself and I’m so proud that I have to share.  Not only have I been eating better, but I’ve been losing some weight in the process.  I haven’t been going to the gym nearly as much as I should (shame on me), but I’ve been doing lots of stuff around the house and going for walks at night.  So some of my pants are now needing belts and some are starting to fit again. I’m way excited.  I’m not terribly overweight, just not where I want to be weight wise, but I’ve been told I still look good.  Now if I just get the girls to go down a cup size so my shirts fit a little better, I will really be happy, but that I believe that is wishful thinking.

With only two (yes two) car payments left (last one is made in August) I am one step closer to being debt free. So in September I am going to take that money and apply it towards something else.  It’s already going out, so I won’t miss it and it will get that thing paid off that much quicker. Then I get my crowns done that much quicker too.  Yes, I need two crowns done and it’s going to be expensive and that’s with insurance coverage.  Last vet payment has been made so it won’t be as squeaky tight, but still tight.  I want to be as debt free as possible by the end of the year.  That is my goal.  I don’t want anything but my normal monthly bills.  So that way I can take the vacations, day trips, wine tours, Dimple crawls and not be stressed about money (there are a few used record stores in San Francisco I really want to check out too).  I’m single and almost 40, I need to get out there and start living again like I did when I was young and not so dumb.