"Your not good enough." Heard this a lot while growing up. It takes a huge toll on a person. I developed the attitude of “If you don’t
like me for me then I don’t want you in my life.” I am trying to pass this along to my nieces
as they are at the age where they are trying to find themselves and maneuver the
pressures of life.
As of lately I have been feeling like I am not good enough
in almost everything that I do. The only
person I don’t feel this way around is my husband. My twin is an amazing mom (I don’t have kids
but if I did, I would want to be like her), my other sister has lost so much
weight and looks amazing, my friend that I go running with is amazing on her
own (she runs half marathons, does duathelons and the occasional century
ride). I try to hide certain feelings
and think I am doing a pretty good job.
I just stay quiet and pretty much do my own thing. Am quiet because the world is noisy enough
and am sick of being talked over, so I just listen and observe (you can learn
so much from that). I’m better off doing
my own thing anyways, because that means I am my own competition and love being
by myself. It’s comfortable and I have
some of the best conversations. Granted,
they are one sided, but they are the best.
I try to be the best sister, daughter, wife, friend that I
can. Am still feeling bad about a
couple things that happened a few weeks ago that I cannot change. I just keep thinking, if I can be there for
one, why couldn’t I have been there for the other. Does that make me a bad person that I wasn’t
able to be there? Does that make me
unreliable? A bad friend?
One thing that has really bugging me lately is when I share
something of mine that I have been doing for a while then somebody comes along,
takes up whatever it is and brags that they have done whatever better. GOOD FOR YOU!! So then I start to feel inadequate. Like I’ve been doing this for a while and
can’t get to that level, so why are they when they just started. I should take it a compliment, after all,
imitation is the best form of flattery.
If I think of it that way, am I good enough to inspire somebody? I never thought I was inspirational. I’ve always thought of myself as a
fighter. Constantly fighting those who
say I’m not good enough, those who say I can’t do something, those who say I
will never be able to do what they do. I
might not be able to do something, but you bet your ass I will try and if I am
able to make you eat your words, I hope they taste good going down. Because you will eat them. I will make sure of that.
Now, don’t get me wrong, I am happy for them that they
accomplished what they have done, and celebrate with them. I should be inspired by some (which I am) and
happy that I inspired someone to give whatever a try and was successful. I know this is all in my head and I am good
at being me, in fact, I am great at being me.
It’s what I do best. I need to
stop holding myself to their standards as the ones I set for myself are high
enough. I need to focus on inspiring my
nieces to be the best version of themselves while they are growing up in a
world that is teaching them to do opposite.
I need to refocus myself, my feelings and tell that evil voice of my
mother that I am good enough, if not better than what I think and to shut hell
up. What others say and do is how they
perceive themselves I cannot help that.
I can only help me.
By saying all of that, still doesn’t silence that evil voice in my head. L
