Glow baby Blow

First official Glow run in the books.  Don’t know if I will do it again next year, but it was fun.  1500 people were there and I have never seen two girls take so many selfies. Michele started photo bombing them.  Which was funny, but didn’t stop them, so it made it even more fun for her.  The girls were all decked out in glow sticks.  Michele and I were glowy but not as glowy as some people.  It was a glowing good time for all.

The silly string section was SO much fun, went past a lonely DJ trying to get people to stay and dance to the music but nobody wanted to.  Glowing beach volleyballs and glow sticks galore all over the course and the final leg of the course was a foamy good time.  Although they could have placed the foam in different spot since you couldn’t see the curb of the sidewalk, but as long as you were careful you were good.  

Tiddly Bits

The best finish ever!

Every run I have done up until this point have been fairly uneventful.  Unless you count blisters, nothing major has happened yet (thank goodness).  The most that has ever happened has either been a bad bra or bad shoes.  I have never had a good bra and good shoes at the same time.  Well, that has changed.  The run I did for Ovarian Cancer was a rockin one as I had a good bra AND good shoes.  It was a great run.  So my next run, I brace the girls in said good bra and lace up the good shoes and out I go.  This one was for Breast Cancer (it is that time of year, and I do it honor of a friend who kicked cancers ass.)  My girlfriend takes off to do her race and I take off to mine.  At mile one things started to feel a little weird and then it happened…my good bra broke.  I found some bushes to tuck behind and fix it.  Great, girls are secured again, so off I go to make up time.  Not so fast…get to the 1.5 mile marker and the girls busted out of their cage for good.  The zipper split in half.

There was no stopping at that point.  I had to self support the girls, strategically place the water bottle for extra support and keep on truckin.  I was amazed my timing wasn’t worse. I thought it would be terrible, but considering my malfunction I did good.  Normally my finish photos are arms up in celebration, but not this one.  This has to be my favorite so far because of the story behind it.  Thank goodness the reason for the race was to keep the girls healthy.  This is the best support they have had since I started running.

Halloween

The decorations have come out and started going up.  So excited about the two new editions this year too.  A 7ft tall Grim Reaper and 3 witch sisters stirring a pot.  Some planning and restructuring is needed this year and of course webbing needs to be added.

How to piss your husband off in one easy step:

Start hanging Halloween decorations with the staple gun while the windows and doors are open.  Ever cry into a bowl of garlic mashed potatoes because somebody made you feel bad? Neither have I until last night.  I usually get self-destructive when stuff like this happens (like drinking, don’t have any yard work to do since I live in the f-ing suburbs (not that I would be able to do it anyways, it would wake grouchy), shopping with money I shouldn’t spend) and thought I had a handle on my emotional eating (was triggered by stress, going to the gym and running took care of that).  But last night was a whole new world for me and I did not like it.  This is very new territory that I have to get a handle on super quick.  I should have went for a run but I didn’t.  I cried in a bowl of garlic mashed potatoes while watching My 600lb Life.  Yeah, like that’s good for you!

I feel like I’m losing my grip on everything that I have worked so hard for internally.  The negative thoughts are starting to creep back in.  Get so angry at myself for stupid stuff, nothing is ever good enough, it can always be better, the walls are starting to get stronger again and I feel myself starting to push people away.  This is not good and I need to get a handle on it.  These last few months have been stressful enough, last thing I need is to let all my hard work slide away

Not good enough

"Your not good enough."  Heard this a lot while growing up.  It takes a huge toll on a person.  I developed the attitude of “If you don’t like me for me then I don’t want you in my life.”  I am trying to pass this along to my nieces as they are at the age where they are trying to find themselves and maneuver the pressures of life.

As of lately I have been feeling like I am not good enough in almost everything that I do.  The only person I don’t feel this way around is my husband.  My twin is an amazing mom (I don’t have kids but if I did, I would want to be like her), my other sister has lost so much weight and looks amazing, my friend that I go running with is amazing on her own (she runs half marathons, does duathelons and the occasional century ride).  I try to hide certain feelings and think I am doing a pretty good job.  I just stay quiet and pretty much do my own thing.  Am quiet because the world is noisy enough and am sick of being talked over, so I just listen and observe (you can learn so much from that).  I’m better off doing my own thing anyways, because that means I am my own competition and love being by myself.  It’s comfortable and I have some of the best conversations.  Granted, they are one sided, but they are the best. 

I try to be the best sister, daughter, wife, friend that I can.  Am still feeling bad about a couple things that happened a few weeks ago that I cannot change.  I just keep thinking, if I can be there for one, why couldn’t I have been there for the other.  Does that make me a bad person that I wasn’t able to be there?  Does that make me unreliable?  A bad friend?

One thing that has really bugging me lately is when I share something of mine that I have been doing for a while then somebody comes along, takes up whatever it is and brags that they have done whatever better.  GOOD FOR YOU!!  So then I start to feel inadequate.  Like I’ve been doing this for a while and can’t get to that level, so why are they when they just started.  I should take it a compliment, after all, imitation is the best form of flattery.  If I think of it that way, am I good enough to inspire somebody?  I never thought I was inspirational.  I’ve always thought of myself as a fighter.  Constantly fighting those who say I’m not good enough, those who say I can’t do something, those who say I will never be able to do what they do.  I might not be able to do something, but you bet your ass I will try and if I am able to make you eat your words, I hope they taste good going down.  Because you will eat them.  I will make sure of that.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I am happy for them that they accomplished what they have done, and celebrate with them.  I should be inspired by some (which I am) and happy that I inspired someone to give whatever a try and was successful.  I know this is all in my head and I am good at being me, in fact, I am great at being me.  It’s what I do best.  I need to stop holding myself to their standards as the ones I set for myself are high enough.  I need to focus on inspiring my nieces to be the best version of themselves while they are growing up in a world that is teaching them to do opposite.  I need to refocus myself, my feelings and tell that evil voice of my mother that I am good enough, if not better than what I think and to shut hell up.  What others say and do is how they perceive themselves I cannot help that.  I can only help me.

By saying all of that, still doesn’t silence that evil voice in my head. L

Wine and fun runs

My weekend started out with wine, food and great friends on Friday night.  I haven’t seen them for a while, so there was a lot of catching up to do and quite a bit of wine was drunk between the three of us.  Never mind that I had a run to do at 8am the next morning, I still had a great time with catching up and laughing.  When I got home it was almost 11pm and my husband was sound asleep.  Well, that was until I went to bed.  Usually I give him a kiss and a snuggle, but not Friday night.  I tapped his arm a few times and was out.  It pained me to get up at 5:30am and I felt terrible.  But I sucked it up and did it anyways as I had a run at 8am. 

My girlfriend showed up at 7am, I told her that I was feeling icky from drinking last night and she said the run would do me good and I could sweat it out.  So off we went to go run in Bubbles (more on that in a bit).  She was right, not only did I have a great run, but I felt so much better afterwards.  Whether or not I do that again, is a different story.  I prefer to rest before a run, but more than likely I will do that again as it was a great source of carbs and I did have a great run.

MUD RUN

Back in March my nieces school was doing a fund raiser, so they had their second annual mud run.  Now this is a fundraiser I can totally get behind and every school should do it.  Not only does it promote kids being active, but also encourages the parents to get out there and be active with the kids.  AND it’s for a good cause.  We have always participated in the fundraisers the nieces do.  They know they can count on us to help them reach their goal and support their cause.  The run was held at the school and we had an hour to play in the mud pits and jump over obstacles before the second wave was released.  What started out as a serious run, turned into a sister wrestling match in the big mud pit.  It was much fun

WANDERLUST

My very first Mindful Triathelon.  First we ran a 5k, then did yoga (my first official yoga class) and a meditation.  It was great.  I loved it.  Went with a co-worker who does yoga, so she guided me through that portion, and this was her first 5k and she rocked it. Was so proud of her.  We got a taste of what each other does in their spare time and it was great.  Am not that flexible, but that’s okay, it was still fun

GIRLS RUN THE WORLD

I took the opportunity to also use the mud run to also complete my virtual run for Girls Run the World.  I am a Flex it Pink girl and they do the best virtual runs.  You have a week to complete it and it’s always for a great cause as well.  So I did my miles and sent them a muddy picture of me getting it done.

BUBBLES

Saturday was my fun with Bubbles.  It was great.  My girlfriend Sandi that I go running with has never done a run like this before.  She normally does the regular courses.  She had a blast.  We got to run through waterfalls of bubbles of different colors.  3.1 miles of bubbly fun.  The crowd was very interesting to watch.  There were people in costumes, some guy with a huge cat face cutout over his head.  People with strollers and nothing to protect the little babies faces from the stinky bubbles (they did stink).  We were let loose in 15 minutes waves and we were in the third wave.  This was a great run because of the night of drinking before and I had to get it out of my system.  I had also forgot my water bottle so Sandi played coach and was squirting water at me to drink.  Lesson learned: NEVER forget your water bottle or gum.  Gum is important to keep the spit flowing so you don’t get dry mouth

KAISER WOMENS FITNESS FESTIVAL

Sunday was another run.  I was tired from Friday night and the hectic Saturday only to get up early again and go run. This time it was at the state capital and at a fitness festival put on by Kaiser.  Sandi ran the 10k and I ran the 5k.  Not quite ready for a 10k yet.  At least that’s what my brain tells me, my body may say something different.  I could feel how tired I was at 1.5 miles, but at that point I told myself to still do my best and I was halfway done.  That was the longest final 1.5 miles I experienced in quite awhile.  I knew I was almost done when I could hear the microphone guy and the crowd got louder.  Then I saw the finish through the trees and knew I could keep going. I smiled for the camera people who were out and about and finished strong.  Well as strong as I could

It’s not the best time, but it’s my worst to date.  I have a goal to get back to 37 minutes and then will knock it down again.  All in all, it was a great weekend and am glad I have the next few weekends off to rest and play.

Weekend eating spree…ugh!

Just when I thought I was getting my eating habits back under control, the cravings came just in time for the weekend. Lucky me.  I don’t drink nearly as much water on the weekends like I do during the week, so that has been a challenge but was getting better.  I have started bringing my lunches again, so that is another bonus.  As I control what is going in my food and I only have a half an hour lunch now (got my work hours changed so I can leave earlier YAY.)  I was feeling great, not bloated or blech. 

Then here comes the weekend….the stupid chocolate donuts that my husband brings home, the stupid Jalapeno Cheetos that hubby’s friend introduced us to (they are good and it’s almost as bad as my past Nacho Cheese Dorito habit I worked so hard to kick), microwave popcorn and more Cheetos.  Not to mention going out to eat at Mongolian BBQ, then again for breakfast and having a very fattening yet so good Shrimp and Eggs Benedict with amazing potatoes and a mimosa to wash it all down.  How much water did I have to drink over the weekend?  I would equal it to a glass.  I did have an apple, so that counts as healthy right?

So now I am dealing with the after effects, feeling bloated, blech and sluggish.  I wasn’t hungry for breakfast as I feel so icky from this weekend, but knew I had to eat.  Am drinking so much water I feel like I’m going to float away and am trying to get back on track.  I can’t wait to get back to the gym so I can work off this icky and really need to get my eating back under control.  They say that exercise is 20% of it and the other 80% is your diet.  Oh my hell, that is the hardest part.  I have the exercise part down, although I have been slacking on the weekends as it’s my only time to clean and Sunday is the only full day I get with my husband.  I know…excuses, excuses.  Whatever.  I can go for a run before I clean or if it’s going to be a lazy Sunday I can go then or even after hubby goes to bed. My brain knows this but my heart tells me “Nah girl you are good today, just chill.”  So I do, then regret it and get mad at myself for it.

I would like to say I won’t do this again, but I know it’s not true because everybody has a relapse.  Since spring has sprung all the good fruits and veggies are now coming back, I can keep more of those in the house and munch on those instead of those stupid donuts and Cheetos.  More strawberries and vanilla yogurt instead of vanilla ice cream.

Motivating

So I completed another 5k on Saturday and have one every month for the next 3 months.  I was so excited to find out that not only did I place 7^th in the 40-44 age group, but I completed it in 37 minutes.  I knocked 6 minutes off my time.  The first one I did, I ran in it 43 minutes.  I was so shocked when I saw my time.  I couldn’t believe it.  Sandi keeps me inspired and is encouraging when we run.  She has accomplished so much in her journey and has taken me under her wing to teach me what she knows.  I love that woman!

A letter to myself

Dear self,

I know you have struggling with getting things back on track like your nourishment and exercise.  I am going to remind you of something. You have come a long way in your life and have achieved so much.  Especially in the last year when you started your new journey.  You are inspired and inspiring.  Remember how much you hurt and how tired you always were?  Now, remember how good you felt?  You had energy and were as pain free as you could be.  The feeling of being sore the day after your workout was fantastic.  Remember that?  Don’t give up.  I know you are struggling right now, but you will get past this.  Just keep going even on the days you don’t want to.  You have yet to regret that time that you did go, yet do regret when you didn’t.

You are amazing, strong and so much better physically and mentally.  No longer do you hear the voices in your head saying you can’t.  Now it’s turned into “You’ve got this.”  You love the feeling you get during and after your workouts.  All of your motivational bracelets you have, wear them again.  That is your reminder to either not quit or give it just a little bit more.  No excuses remember?  You might not get that body that you see with the muscle definition or the six pack abs, but you will have the body that is meant for you.  A strong, healthy, amazingly wonderful body that won’t be out of shape and feel blah.  How excited did you get when you noticed that you didn’t have that dreaded muffing top and weren’t tugging on your shirts all the time to pull them back down?  Remember that feeling.

You have it in you do this and stick with it.  Stop making excuses and do it.  It is said that it is easier to keep going than to quit and start over again.  Well, in a way you are starting over again and it’s proven to be hard to get back on track.  Don’t quit, you are so much better than this.  Prove them wrong.  But most of all prove yourself wrong.  Ignore the crap food at home and focus on the healthy.  You can have the crap, just in a lot smaller portions than you have been.  Everything in moderation.  Don’t deny yourself that craving but don’t indulge in it either.  Do your Gratitude Journal every night again, enjoy your hard earned hot bubbles baths with candles and Frankie, your PiYo program you got..USE IT, go for that run, hell go for a hike and explore again.  Remember YOU GOT THIS!

 

I love you,
Your inner self